Objects in mirror are further away, in this case, than they appear.
When I began to make headway in my recovery, I was astonished and delighted to find that I was actually feeling, and thinking, better. I had been so long at a certain deadweight plateau, that I had really given up hope for any permanent relief.
But after six months under the care of Dr. Kelly Upcott, I was finding myself in new territory for the first time in some years. I thought, I am almost all better. I'll be all better in ... a few months, I'll bet. I could hardly wait to speed up.
Within weeks I had drilled myself into the ground again. Seasick, brainfogged, body stoned, legs like thousand pound weights. Tingling, swirling, flickering, sputtering, energy dissipating ... poof.
I was sick again for months. Really sick, relegated to bed, hanging on to a pillow as the mattress and the room seemed to rock in opposite directions.
Lotta nausea. Lotta tears.
So back on the bunny slope of recovery again. Tired of this. Sick of this. Wanna be done with this. Thought I WAS done with this. Starting over ... one more time.
Unfortunately that wasn't the last time I had to start over, in these past two years. But I have learned a thing or two in the process.
To put a new twist on an old saying, "Objects in mirror are further away than they appear."
Full life may seem so close you can taste it. Look, I can stay up all day. See? Going to the store doesn't send me to bed for hours anymore. Listen, I can carry on a conversation for more than ten minutes without going wonky. I can do my own taxes. I can write out my own lists. I can remember everything everyone has said to me today. My arms don't sing and vibrate anymore. I get hunger pangs when it's time to eat, instead of a numb face and jittery nerves.
So I'm better right?
Yes, you are better. But you are not all better.
A few summers ago, we had some long nasty heat waves. Uncharacteristically hot. Finally the temperatures started to drop a little but they were still unseasonably warm. The weather man said, "Well, I wouldn't say it will be cooler. But it will be less hot."
Okay, you may be less sick. But you are not healthy. Don't be discouraged though, you ARE getting there. But there is alot more to this recovery thing than any of us thought. It isn't until the journey back up out of the chronic pit, that we see just how absolutely devastated and ruined we really were. We thought we knew how pervasive the damage was when we were mired in it. But, we were wrong.
Pacing is still key. Resting, still key. Saying no, and procrastinating like crazy --- Key. You know how to do this.
Don't be in a hurry. Life will be there for you. And the time will come that you can walk right in and embrace it.